添ou値l be okay, you値l live, I remember he said. No, I am not okay. Yes, I値l live. But I am most definitely not okay.
的 want you to love other people, too. Don稚 dwell on me all the time. I値l see you eventually, when it痴 your time, he said. Yes, I will love others; I do love others. No, I must think about you. What if I don稚 go to heaven? So many worries.
One year is coming up. Time flew. I almost forgot. Sometimes I wish I had.
Today was the day that I lost hope. I don稚 know why, but I did. It just hit me, as I was walking to class. My hope disappeared like smoke.
I知 back to pretending, back to acting all the time. Happiness is easy enough to display on the outside. I wish it was that easy for the inside. 擢ake it 稚ill you make it is what my mother always said. I disagree, but I値l try it out.
I can稚 believe how selfish I act sometimes. I wasn稚 his only friend. And yet, I was the one he called on his deathbed. He spent his last moments talking to me. I shouldn稚 feel special about this, but I do. That is so messed up.
I can稚 sleep anymore. I don稚 want to. The dreams are too haunting. I haven稚 had these dreams in a very long time. About a year, I would say. The timing is perfectly terrible, yet completely appropriate and on time.
I want to distract myself. I want to take something so I will feel absolutely numb. I want my mind to be numb. I want to forget everything. I want a time machine. I want to fix all of this.
It痴 so pointless, but it痴 the only way I can cope.
I知 trying, trying, trying, I promise.
